23-11-16

It was a rough time for me. It’s been 3 weeks since my first carbo/caelyx and now I’m one week before the next session. I spent 2 first weeks In bed. Another week I had to still stay at home as my white cells count went very low. I saw my doctor today. She wasn’t happy with the white cells levels even though  I got the neulasta jab. She said I was really lucky that I didn’t get any serious infection. To avoid the same situation in the future I will be getting now 12 jabs of neulasta for 12 consecutive days. My legs will be like the strainer 😉
Another thing we discussed was a problem with my sight. I have noticed that I have a problem to see things sharply from a short distance. Obviously, the chemo and steroids are causing this, so hopefully it will improve when I finish my treatment.
We also both agreed that the swollen area beneath my left ribs has gone and my bloating improved. These are good things, but… There is always a but… Two days ago I found a lump between my scar and the belly button. I got upset as I knew it wasn’t there before. Tom was trying to calm me down saying that this is probably some scaring and I couldn’t feel it before because of the fat. Now I’ve lost 4 kilos in one month so I can feel it. I didn’t buy it. Doctor confirmed today that this is a pea size node. She checked the scan from September again and she said it appears on the CT scan, but it was very, very small at that time. So I’m very upset and disappointed again. The plan was to wait till 3rd or 4th chemo and do a new CT scan to check how this chemo works. Now I’m going to have CT at the end of December to see if I respond to this treatment and how this pea in my belly reacts and is there any more cancer changes in my body.
I feel so bad after caelyx, I was hoping it would work and will kill all cancer cells, but now I have doubts again and I have a lot of questions in my head.
Caelyx is a slow releasing drug and starts working usually after few sessions. It’s a good drug but works in approx 25-35% cases. I need to take it and it needs to work in order to get a maintenance drug after all chemo treatment.
What if CT scan after the second session won’t show any improvements? What if it will show improvement with my pockets of fluid but this pea lump won’t respond? I have so many “what ifs” and “whys”
I feel useless and very sick. I sleep most of the days and I’m in pain. I can’t look after my boys the way I wish to.
I went yesterday morning to the shop just to get quickly small Xmas tree to my son’s room. I got so sad. I asked myself again: “Is it my last Xmas?” anything we do now or celebrate since last year I do ask myself this question all over again: “Is it my last…” I hate it. That’s not a life.
I wish you all good health and long, happy years in remission. Look after yourself, your health is your treasure.

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